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Marry Jewish, Marry Shmewish: Why many choose not to, and what their mothers are saying
Posted by Seth Brown in Family, Musings, Tribal Concerns
Seth Brown blogs on the topic of the “choice” of marrying Jewish.
First of all, the subtitle of this piece is a bit misleading. “Why are more children choosing not to marry Jewish?”, ask the worried gatherings of Jewish parents and rabbis, as if to suggest that many Jews of the younger generation sat down and said, “What qualities am I looking for in a life partner? Well, first off, I definitely don’t want to marry a fellow Jew.”
This probably isn’t happening very often. It’s less “choosing NOT TO marry Jewish”, and more “not CHOOSING TO marry Jewish” — in other words, simply not making it a priority. I think the framing here is important; the question as asked often implies that the person sat down and said, “I am making a decision about whether my spouse should be Jewish, and I’m saying no.” Whereas in reality of course, I imagine most Jews who have married non-Jews in the past decade or two would have been perfectly happy (and in some cases, even happier) if their partner had been Jewish. It simply wasn’t the basis for their choice.
When choosing a potential spouse, most people have a list of various qualifications, some of which are requirements, some of which aren’t deal-breakers but are highly desired, and some of which would be nice, but aren’t a big deal.
For previous generations, marrying someone from your groups — not only of the same religion, but probably the same race, and perhaps the same general social status as well — may have often been in the “more important” category. But most people considering marriage today have a different set of priorities, and while money and looks may remain constant considerations, the race and religion of one’s spouse becomes less important with each generation.
I’d argue that’s progress, as people begin focusing more on actual personal connections between two people, rather than presumed connections based on shared group membership. Never mind the potential societal benefits of people knowing (and loving) others outside their group, creating a more shared sense of humanity rather than a more tribal “us versus them” mentality. No, I’d say the main benefit is that two people who feel a deep connection and could grant each other a happy life, will no longer avoid that path simply because they worship differently.
But obviously not everyone agrees, or they wouldn’t keep asking “Why aren’t young Jews marrying Jewish?” I think I understand the underlying reason for the constant worrying, which is not an unreasonable concern:
The culture could die out.
For years, there have been various reports noting the decline in Jewish population, whether from assimilation or anti-semitism. Even if last year showed anomolous growth, the trend has still been an overall decline in population. Given these numbers, it is perhaps unsurprising that some are very focused on making sure the numbers don’t drop even more.
My hunch is that the main reason parents want their children to marry someone Jewish is so they will raise Jewish children, who will continue to carry on the faith. (With a growing percentage of Americans no longer viewing religion as something important, it’s easy to understand why some concerns might exist.) I had made clear to my parents long ago that I had no desire to raise children, and thus the religion of my partner was not a large concern for them.
My brother, who may well have kids in the future, on the other hand, is likely in for a few years of questions about maintaining the Jewish faith.
What’s your take? Do single Jews really have a choice anymore? Should we really just focus more on marrying a good person you can connect with, and less on marrying within the “tribe”? Is it less important to marry within the faith if you aren’t planning to have children? Let us know what you think by posting a comment below!
Seth Brown is a freelance writer, humorist, and poet. He is the author of four books, most recently “From God To Verse”, a line-by-line rendition of the entire Torah in rhyming couplets. His website is RisingPun.com.
Okay…so thanks to freedom and stupidity, we are doing to ourselves what Hitler almost accomplished…exterminating our people. How intellignet! As one who lived through the time of the Halocaust,I saw American Jewish families feeling obligated to have 3-4 children, to somehow make up for our 6,000,000 loss. But as quickly as we reproduced our numbers diminished through marrying and living outside the faith.We were the originators of the one-God concept…we gave the world our bible along with a list of rules for civilization. Is that to be pushed aside? Interfaith relations are important, as long as they are kept in perspective. Marrying outside the faith and producing non-Jewish children is a heartbreak and foolish stupidity. I pray that more young people take that into consideration when deciding on a life-mate.
Thanks for your comments Golda!
Well done Seth; thanks for a very thoughtful point of view.
Do I agree? No; that’s the beauty of this blog and our magical Bill of Rights.
Do I have the answer? Perhaps one could share that the answer is in our soul. Will need to time marinate and bake on this one – does touch a chord.
Look forward to more insights from others – primary research is powerful; wisdom from generations is very valuable; keeping our faith alive is beyond priceless.
There are lots of children on this planet who were not planned, so “not intending to raise children” doesn’t necessarily mean one won’t be created. Even the best methods of birth control have been known to fail. What happens then? How is that child raised? What are they taught is important? If the parents aren’t in agreement on the faith issue, there’s a great chance the child won’t really internalize any faith at all. Or suppose they pick one over the other? Does that cause discord within the family? (in addition to confusion for the child.) And for someone who’s faith is important to them, how could you not marry someone like-minded? As for “connecting” with someone, for me that connection has to be on many levels, and the faith/belief level is huge! There are enough assaults on the family today coming from the outside, we don’t need to create conflicts of our own doing and bring them into the home. Of course if your faith is not that important to you, then this is less of an issue. For me faith was far more important than skin color, so I am married to someone who believes like me, but does not look like me, and we are very, very happy. I don’t hold to Rabbinic standards of kosher but I don’t eat pork. So I would not be willing to cook pork shops or ham for a husband who liked pork, and I don’t want to have to explain myself over and over in that area or have fights over it all the time. So to marry someone of a different faith if you actually practice your faith is aside from not being real smart, or easy, or fun, it’s also not very practical. So perhaps then the real issue is that many young people do not see their faith nor their culture as priorities? So what can parents and families do to help children, teens, and young adults really integrate their faith and make it a part of who they are? Perhaps this is more a root of the problem?
We are diminishing the importance of our culture through ever growing intermarriage. I was raised in an ultra reformed home without any religious education (typical for girls in the early 50′s) but always knew I would marry a Jew because my family expected nothing else. Having experienced anti Semitism in high school, Jewish students stayed together and didn’t date outside our circle of friends ( less than 10% of the student population, no Asians or Blacks at all). We didn’t experience thousands of years of exclusion and extermination to lose many more to intermarriage. My own children have finally come around. I raised them in a reformed environment with religious instruction and practice. It is very rewarding to me for them to have believe in what I taught them
I for one have mixed emotions. On one hand I would like my 2 sons to marry Jewish girls because I am Israeli and have been brought up with a solid Jewish faith. On the other hand I have been genetically predisposed with the BRACA 1&2 gene that is prevalent in the Jewish religion. My husband and I are now wondering if we shouldn’t rethink our view and be open minded to consider other faiths so the chain of heredity could be broken.So ther are many different reasons to marry out of our faith sometimes,sometimes without wanting to.
June, The issue you raise about the BRCA gene is fascinating. I wonder if anyone has ever run any numbers to find out what would happen to the BRCA gene in the Jewish community relative to increased instances of intermarriage.
So many people focus on the effects of intermarriage from an “us and them” perspective instead of looking in the mirror to figure out why the younger generation of Jews fails to prioritize its religion. It is so easy to place the blame on outside forces for young Jews marrying gentiles and raising non-Jewish children, but the truth is, it comes back to whether or not these Jews value their culture and religion.
How many Jews have truly experienced a joyous Shabbat dinner with family and understand the meaning behind it? How many Jews (regardless of whether or not they follow kashrut) know the reasons behind keeping a kosher home? How many know and are proud of their people’s history and accomlishments despite the hurdles we have faced for thousands of years as Jews? How many truly feel connected to their fellow Jews in a way that makes them see, understand, and value the incredible benefits of being Jewish?
I am a Jew by choice. I chose my path on my own, out of reverence for the Jewish people, culture, and religion. I was single when I made my choice, so no relationship influence. Most young Jews that I have spoken with don’t understand. They are incredulous and confused: why on earth would I want to join the persecuted people? Why would I want to burden myself with having to fast on Yom Kippur, refrain from pasta during Passover?
I have become convinced that somewhere along the way, these Jews lost the meaning. They fast because they always have, not because it holds significance for them. They attend the seder only because the whole family is in town and groan about the process. They never celebrate Shabbat (truly the most important holiday in Jewish tradition), because to them it equals synagogue attendance. They “observe” holidays like it’s a chore because they haven’t ever experienced them in any other way! No wonder they don’t prioritize their religion!
If we want to keep our Jewish faith and culture alive, we have to start educating the newer generations of Jews better. We have to provide them with knowledge and experiences that speak to them, that hold meaning. We have to give them something to be proud of, something to pass onto their children, and most importantly, something they value.
Accomplish that, and the next generations will be raising Jewish children because they want to, not because Grandma insists on a Bar Mitzvah.
Heather, thank you for a unique, thoughtful and fresh perspective on this topic! This is a great reminder to be appreciative of all that Judaism has to offer.