;)
Will you marry me?
Posted by Davi Cheng in Family, Musings, Tribal Concerns
Davi Cheng reflects on her life before California’s Proposition 8, and her hope for the future after New York’s recent decision to legalize same-gender marriage.
For much of my life, I kept a secret. When co-workers shared with me about their lives, I so envied them. It’s not that I don’t have a life. My spouse and I have been together for 31 years; we were college sweethearts. I had plenty of stories I wanted to share, but knowing that same-gender relationships can evoke heated religious and political debates, I kept silent.
I am a member of Beth Chayim Chadashim, the world’s first GBLT synagogue established 1972 in Los Angeles. Last Friday night, when our cantor started our Shabbat service by singing, “Start spreading the news, I am leaving today, I want to be a part of it, New York, New York…”, the congregation erupted into cheers and shouted “California next!”
In 1998, in our 18th year together, we asked our rabbi to “marry” us. We stood under the chuppah, as our congregational friends shouted “Mazel Tov!” But only one relative joined us that day.
In 2004, when then San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom decided to issue marriage licenses to lesbians and gays, we jumped in our car and drove all night from Los Angeles. Six months later, we wept to hear those marriages annulled by the California Supreme Court.
Undaunted, in 2008, when same-gender marriage became legal in California, we were first in line again.
I am glad we were one of 18,000 couples legally married in California before Proposition 8 overturned it. But even if Prop 8 had been defeated, there are still states benefits and about 1,138 federal rights, protections and responsibilities automatically granted to married heterosexual couples that are denied to even married gay couples. Go ahead, do a Google search – insurance, income tax, social security benefits, immigration status, and more. I hadn’t realized legal recognition could be so powerful.
And it proved powerful in another way as well: because we could “legally marry,” I felt more relaxed about sharing, and my co-workers in turn became more open to hearing about my relationship. It opened a whole new world to all of us – beginning with their cheerful words of congratulation and support when we got married to developing into a better understanding and open dialogue with one another.
Mazel Tov to New York!
What do you think? Should same-gender marriage be legalized in your State?
Davi Cheng is the Past President and current Ritual Chair of congregation Beth Chayim Chadashim (BCC) in Los Angeles. Davi designed and helped create the stained glass windows, Ner Tamid and Ark doors of her synagogue, she is also involved with the URJ West District and Be’chol Lashon’s International Jewish communities.
I’m not a neutral observer since I attended Davi’s wedding at BCC and also married my boyfriend at BCC before Prop 8 passed. Wearing a wedding ring has changed things for me, because people ask about my wife, and then I have to correct them. California’s legislature passed same-gender marriage twice. It was vetoed by our then governor, who converted to the cause when he realized how much money same-gender weddings could bring into the state.
To answer Davi’s question: Of course we should have same-gender marriage in California. No one has been able to show harm from our marriages. Getting married is the most conservative thing a gay or lesbian couple could do.
ERETZ S@RI-S@RI FORMERLY KNOWN AS persia
I’m opposed to a “gay” shul for the same reason I’d be opposed to a synagogue for left handed Jews, or Jews w/ a physical handicap—why define yourself by these traits? Our gay brothers and sisters have an odd obsession with always reminding everyone they are homosexual. All Jews should be welcome in any shul, regardless of their sexuality, gender, disability, etc.
As far as re-defining marriage—-EVERY STATE in our country has voted against it, when it’s been voted on by the people. Only do-gooder politicians, usurping the will of the people, have decided to change the definition of marriage. States including the aforementioned California and Oregon—two VERY left-leaning states (in other words, the argument cannot be made that only Americans in Alabama and Montana and the like are against redefining marriage for bigoted reasons).
i suppose hashem was married to adam. den found out animals howl
I love that Juval started services with “New York, New York.”
Such a wonderful and heartwarming recollection. Yes, these changes have certainly made it easier not to have to edit one’s speech to omit references to a partner or lover. Less deception=less stress for us and for our co-workers and other friends.
Great post, Davi – love how you keep us thinking
It’s wonderful to be in love; it’s natural to be in love. It’s natural/normal to want all the benefits and the responsibilities of marriage. People in our lives deserve to share in our lives with knowledge of and interaction with our partners, not just an abbreviated version of who we are. Thanks once again Davi for sharing and keeping us on a thoughtful growth path.
If you are a clergy person against same-sex weddings, no existing bill forces you to officiate at any. If you are a layperson against same-sex marriage, you don’t have attend any. Not too many years ago, persons of different races could not marry in certain states. Objections to both interracial and same-sex marriages come out of fundamental religious traditions that no one has a right to coerce anyone else to practice or agree with. America was founded on the basis of freedom of religion and the separation of church and state, not the upon the imposition or primacy of any one religion. DOMA, “The Defense of Marriage Act” is what happens when you mix religion. fear and over-extended powers of the state. It’s attack on person freedom that in no way protects marriage.
The comparison between objection between same sex marriage and interracial marriage is a bogus comparison. There is fundamentally no difference between a black and white (or other race) person. There is a WORLD of difference between the sexes. No religious or secular society has ever advocated same sex marriage. Male/female is the moral norm. People opposed to inter-racial marriage are simply racist bigots. Are the majority of voters in Oregon, California, and many other states where initiatives to make same sex marriage legal (and all failed, mind you) full of hate, or simply people who want to maintain the moral norm?
This may be the most emotionally charged issue out there—not the word of “emotion”, where logic and reason seem to go by the wayside. I’m not a rabbi nor Talmudic scholar, but am not aware of any of our forefathers speaking about the “right” for same sex couples to marry. Avram, Moshe, Yitzak, etc say nary a word on it. Any Jew who advocates same sex marriage is adopting liberalism as basis for this belief, not Judaism.
I belong to the Reform movement, so you can dismiss anything I say long before we get to same sex marriage. Women — both lesbians and ‘straight’ — ordained as rabbis and cantors; Women seated with men and reading from the torah scrolls. Driving to synagogue. I could go on, but this is simply not productive. To imply I’m not a “real” Jew because I don’t practice it the way you do is a conversation ender. Most Israelis wouldn’t be Jewish by your definition either.
Thank You all for your comments. I welcome dialogue and discussion on this topic. I use “same-gender ” instead of “same-sex” because relationships are not all about “sex”.
As far as “moral norm”, we can all agree to disagree. Our forefathers in the Torah have multiple wives! I don’t even think “marriage” was a word or concept used back then. Here in the U.S., prisioners in jail can get marry. What about celebrities who get married and divorced several times a year? Hugh Hefner, how many young wives does he have? Is that marriage?
Bottom line is, we are all created in the image of God.
Judaism teaches us to wrestle with God, to do good deeds. Justice, justice shall you pursue – to make this world a better place for everyone.
Roberto—you’d make an excellent politician, as you distorted what I said. Where did I ever say you’re not a “real Jew” because you don’t practice the way I do? You got that interpretation all on your own, my man. Never said nor implied anything of the sort. I simply said if you’re advocating same sex/gender marriage, it’s your liberalism talking, not Judaism. If you are comfortable w/ a Reform shul, then good for you, I am glad you have found somewhere you like. However, the “people in power” of the Reform movement seem to be in line w/ the far left of the Democratic party in the US—-and synagogues should be apolitical, or at worst, political by default when enacting a new ruling or edict.
Davi, thank you for the column. While I disagree with you, it is important to bring both sides of the coin to light in a respectful manner. Todah Rabbah.
Dear Skeptical,
Likewise, thank you for the conversation, hope we can continue our dialogue in future blog posts.
Great piece, Davi. Of course we should have same-gender marriage in California too. Perhaps New York will pave the way, since more people in the country support it than are against it — things have changed a lot in the last few years.
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